Setting Boundaries

Today, I wanted to dive into a topic that's been weighing on my mind lately: the fear of setting boundaries. Boundaries are like personal bodyguards for our well-being, shielding us from overwhelm and burnout. Yet, for many of us, myself included, setting them can sometimes feel like stepping into a lion's den.

In my experience, people tend to struggle with boundaries in two major areas of their life: work and personal relationships. At work, you might take on additional tasks when your plate is already full, or answer calls and emails out of hours. In your personal life, you might accept a friend's invite to something when you would rather have downtime, or you might allow a family member to consistently give you unsolicited advice.

Let's acknowledge something crucial: setting boundaries is difficult and can stir up a whirlwind of emotions, mostly rooted in fears. Here are some of the common underlying fears we face when we consider setting boundaries:

👉 Fear of Anger: We worry that if we speak up for ourselves, people will be angry at us.

👉 Fear of Selfishness: We fear that if we turn people down, they will think we're selfish or uncaring.

👉 Fear of Weakness: We fear that if we say no, people will think we can't cope.

👉 Fear of Rejection: We worry that if we speak up about an issue we have, we will be rejected or abandoned.

👉 Fear of Judgment: We fear that if we set a limit, we will sound petty or mean.

Do these fears sound familiar? I know them all too well, and I'm sure many of you do too. These fears can throw our nervous system out of whack, making us feel stressed, anxious or stuck. 

Here's the game-changer: If you want to be a better advocate for yourself, you've got to learn to soothe your nervous system before and after setting a boundary.

Before setting a boundary, find ways to regulate your nervous system, whether it's a jog, deep breaths, or a stroll in nature. Calming your system will not only help dial down the fear, but it will also enable you to communicate your boundary assertively and respectfully (when our nervous system is dysregulated, we're more likely to shy away from setting boundaries, or conversely, we might blurt something out that sounds controlling because we feel overwhelmed). Remember, healthy boundaries aren't about making a person behave in a certain way, they are about expressing your needs and limits in an authentic, considered and compassionate way, and the prerequisite is a felt sense of safety in your body.

After setting a boundary, it's normal to feel some stress and discomfort, particularly if someone is disappointed or inconvenienced by your boundary. It might be tempting to backtrack or attempt to soothe or fix the other persons feelings but it's important to remember that it's OK if your boundaries disappoint other people - it doesn't mean you've done something 'wrong'. Feeling guilty doesn't mean you are guilty. When 'boundary guilt' arises it's important to soothe your stress with regulating practices that help you feel safe and settled. And it doesn't have to be anything grand - it could be something as simple as watching an episode of a comforting TV show or having a quick chat with a mate who 'gets it' - anything that makes you feel safe. This can put the brakes on a nervous system that is about to spiral into anxiety.

Getting better at boundaries doesn't happen overnight, but through little changes that add up over time. If you're new to setting boundaries it will take a while for your nervous system to adjust to the idea that it is safe to communicate honestly and authentically. But each time you soothe your nervous system, you're building resilience and reshaping your system away from habitual people-pleasing behaviours. 

Stick with it, and watch those little changes add up over time.

Here's to harnessing the power of the mind-body connection to empower us in setting healthy boundaries!