Narcissistic Parenting
In the media any egotist holding a selfie stick is labelled a ‘narcissist’. There is also a focus on grandiose narcissists with overtly entitled, manipulative and competitive behaviours – in short, larger than life characters who would be easy to identify. The truth is much more insidious in its mundanity: narcissists come in many types and one of the most damaging is the covert narcissist as parent, because their behaviours are often unseen.
We all have a degree of narcissism but at the top of the spectrum is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), part of the DSM-V’s Cluster B group and characterised by total self-focus, manipulativeness and a significant deficit in empathy. The higher up we go, the more problems are encountered.
I have worked with children and young people of narcissists for over fifteen years, and am constantly amazed at how similar their stories are. Most have coverts as parents, who exhibit the classic traits but in a subtler way.
They gaslight – distort or deny events or conversations, they triangulate – set up a ‘golden child’/‘scapegoat child’ dynamic; they have an enabler – experienced as the narcissist’s partner who is seemingly more empathic but essentially loyal only to the narcissist.
A scapegoat who speaks out about the abuse is often subject to a smear campaign among family and friends. They can be portrayed as unethical, immoral or mentally ill.
Often the scapegoat’s perceptive and feisty nature results in narcissistic rage – with fragile self-esteem and highly sensitive to perceived insults, narcissists can react with anger out of proportion to the situation. In coverts especially, this can lead to long-term plots for ‘revenge’ – often played out in inheritance issues.
And finally, hoovering – one of the most stressful aspects of going ‘no’ or ‘low contact’ with a narcissist.
Their abandonment schema, lack of boundaries and thirst for ‘supply’ (attention) means they will smear the scapegoat and refuse to respect requests for an end to the relationship.
I am also constantly saddened at the brutality of client stories and the emotional and psychological harm this disorder wreaks.
Some have been hospitalised with the hurt and shock of a parent’s words and actions, others are almost hermit-like, held prisoner by their core beliefs and punished by a relentlessly critical inner voice.
Mostly with an age profile of mid to late-middle age (it often takes that long to have an awakening), children of narcissists can present with any of the following:
CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder)
the range of anxiety disorders
chronic anger
cognitive dissonance (after years of gaslighting)
toxic shame (since narcissists are masters of projection)
co-dependence
low self-esteem and confidence
trust issues
physical ailments such as fatigue and headaches
interpersonal challenges (especially around friendships, and being a magnet for other narcissists)
The healing journey takes courage and I find myself deeply respectful of those who are prepared to take that road. Pushing past the thorny bushes of guilt and self-doubt, they are willing to truly grieve the losses they incurred, to overcome their inner critic, to take note of and assert their own emotional and physical needs and to address ‘fleas’ caught from the narcissist.
Most profoundly they learn to parent their inner child and develop self-love and self-compassion. Then they recognise their own power.