Self Harm: Ways to support a teenager

It can be difficult to know how to support someone who self-harms if you haven't had personal experience with this yourself. Though anyone can engage in this behaviour, research has found that self-harm is most common in young people, with a 2021 study from the University of Cambridge finding that one in five adolescents are estimated to engage in some form of self-injury. 

There is also an increased chance of a teenager self-harming if they are a woman, neurodivergent, from a marginalised community, the LGBTQ+ community, or a lower socioeconomic background.

When it comes to providing a safe space for a teenager, the most important thing is to be non-judgmental and to listen to them. Kanu Batra, chief executive officer and co-founder of Speek, a platform that supports parents of children who self-harm, explains

"Often, children find it easier to open up when they feel understood and validated. Many parents prefer using alternative strategies, like non-verbal communication or texting, when direct conversation feels too difficult."

It can be hard to initiate these sensitive conversations, as well as offer practical support for overcoming this desire to harm themselves. Here are five ways to navigate how to support someone who has self harmed, or thinking about it.

1. Encourage them to talk about self-harm

I did this with a friend and had a code word, so I didn't even have to go into detail. She just knew to message me for a while, or even call, and get my mind off of it. Waiting just half an hour, or an hour, can be enough to make the urge diminish. 

When it comes to starting the conversation yourself, curiosity is important during these conversations, as well as listening to what they're asking for, rather than what you think they need.

It can feel hard to create conversations at times, so be open, and when your young person talks, listen — be curious about their experiences, respect their experiences, and resist the urge to rush to solve. 

2. Help them find an alternative outlet for their feelings

The advice I would give anyone in this  situation is to really look at why theyre hurting themselves, and what they want to achieve from it, For example, if it's an outlet for rage, which everyone has, then it needs to safely explored, acknowledging the emotion of anger and rage, and recognise the emotions behind this. 

3. Encourage them to explore sensory distractions

For some clients, I encourage them to find a less-destructive, yet physical, which can help “release” in a safer way. Things such as holding onto an ice cube until it melts, or flicking an elastic band against your wrist. Some clients choose to pinch their skin, which seems to help especially with impulsive thoughts.  

Sensory distractions can offer healthier coping mechanisms that alleviate the desire to self-harm, and can help break the habit for good as they offer a substitute for the behaviour.

The activity can also be scaled to meet the level of the urge. For example, a medium level of holding an ice cube could be raised to taking a cold shower if you have a more intense desire to harm yourself.

4. Take up creative hobbies

"I've always loved writing, so I used to love pouring my heart out in my blogs about my mental health," client , 47, says. "I got such a buzz from writing.”  This positive idealisation can help when you're in difficult circumstances - imagining a happy event taking place in the future to find a sense of purpose in your life in the present. Sometimes for neurodivergent clients, drawing a representation of how they are feeling helps them be able to share indirectly how they feel. This can be be talked through, calmly and compassionately allowed them to describe the design, colours and images used.

The charity Mind found that creative hobbies such as writing, painting, crafting, and playing musical instruments can help reduce stress, and instil a sense of purpose and fulfilment as you work to develop your skills. It's a safe way to express your emotions and explore them in a constructive way that also offers you some enjoyment and a healthy outpouring of expression.

5. Spending time outdoors 

Spending time outdoors has been found to have numerous health benefits, such as reducing stress levels, and improving your mood, self-esteem, and sleep quality. Alongside this, it's a social way to spend time with loved ones while also getting some physical exercise, and the endorphins that come with moving your body.

It's important to recognise the underlying distress a teenager is experiencing. When we understand self-harm as their way of managing intense emotions, it helps guide how we respond. Validating their feelings is crucial. Just as we need others to empathise with our perspective, our teenagers need that same validation from us.

If you, or your child is self harming, have you considered reaching out for professional support to support?