“Big Boys don’t cry”

Boys and men learn this early on in life. Be it the lessons dealt down from an overbearing father telling his son, ‘Big boys don’t cry,’ or from the school yard taunts to ‘man up’.

This conditioning can stay with men throughout their lives. The idea that men should be strong; you are expected to win at sports, build a successful career, and earn enough for the big house, the fast car. You’re expected to be kind, funny, and a great dad. Just don’t, whatever you do, get all emotional while you are doing it.

There’s just one problem: men experience the full range of emotions as much as anyone else. Life is challenging, and without the skills to manage and cope, can lead to anxiety and depression. Avoiding talking about issues only makes things more difficult, and can result in what is sometimes referred to as ‘the big build’. This is where pressures build up over a long period, often culminating in middle age when the need for this pressure to release can manifest in various ways – from anxiety to depression, angry outbursts, substance abuse, porn addiction, and worse.

As a professional therapist, I’ve been fortunate to work with many men over the last seventeen years. However, I have become increasingly concerned about men and their place in the world. It seems to me that men are retreating from life; I call this ‘The Great Male Withdrawal’. It’s happening quickly, and silently, with potentially serious consequences.

Arguably, the most alarming statistic is on male suicide. The UK Office for National Statistics says three quarters of deaths recorded as suicides in 2022 were male. Samaritans also reports that men are three times more likely than women to take their own life, with the male suicide rate being 17.1 per 100,000 compared to 5.6 per 100,000 for women – increasing to 25.3 per 100,000 for men aged 45–49.

As to possible reasons for this, women are more likely to confide in friends. For men, friends often play a different role. Women meet to talk; men meet to do. While there is growing awareness around men’s need to talk, the stigma around being vulnerable remains.

Everyone, regardless of gender, has basic needs. When I work with men, I concentrate on helping them understand those needs better, along with how to achieve them. Here are my top five tips:

Connect with others

Humans are highly social beings. We need to feel connected and have a sense of belonging. This can be met by joining social groups, whether a sports club, church, or political organisation.`

Be physically active

When we’re struggling mentally, we often neglect ourselves physically. Staying active, regardless of the activity, has a positive impact on our wellbeing.

Learn new skills

We all have a deeply wired need to feel competent at the things we set out to achieve. Constantly learning and growing, through developing new skills, is healthy for your mind.

Help others

When we are feeling low, doing things to help others can bring us out of our own heads, as well as helping us to feel useful.

Learn to live in the present

When we’re struggling, our minds tend to be either lost in the past or worrying about the future. Returning our focus to the present moment is the antidote.

To help get back on track, talking to another man who understands the issues you’re facing can help. If you’re not ready, or able, to open up to friends yet, speaking to a professionalcan be life-changing, offering a non-judgemental space to develop coping skills and strategies.