Talking about Suicide

2 Feb

It’s the subject that many fear to talk about, including some therapists. Recently, I have been providing sessions to some clients who are experiencing very vulnerable thoughts, and some who have been a relative to an individual who has taken their own life.

A suicide can leave behind a particularly devastating kaleidoscope of pain, which is complicated and can be long-lasting. It can become so hard to separate the fact of the death from the actual circumstances in which it happened, and the shock and disbelief are sometimes too much to bear. The edges become blurred and grief becomes enmeshed with trauma.

That we can be left with no answers and a huge ‘why?’, can leave us feeling shame and guilt at not seeing the signs and we can feel stuck in a torturous loop of self-doubt and questioning. We can become pre-occupied with missed opportunities and wanting to turn back time so that we could have said or done something to prevent the outcome. We are also robbed of the opportunity to help and losing someone to suicide can make us feel that we have personally failed them.

How do I cope with this grief, and accept what has happened, so I can start processing the pain?

When someone experiences a death through suicide, their challenges become two-fold – firstly, they must cope with the distress of the lost relationship and they must also cope with the trauma of the manner of the death. We always want to protect the ones we love and, when we can’t, we can find ourselves continually taking the blame and drowning ourselves in guilt.

Following the shock of suicide, our self-talk is vital to our recovery.

Constantly asking ‘why’, ‘what if’, or, “why didn’t I…”, can increase feelings of failure, shame, and guilt. We can only work on our half of any relationship, so try to focus on the things you did in a positive way. Instead of asking, “Was I kind enough?” Ask yourself, “Was I kind?” Following a suicide, we can all berate ourselves into believing we should have done more, or even that we could have prevented the suicide.

It can be a great support to reach out to others who have suffered a similar loss and to hear other people’s experiences of suicide. This can help to reduce feelings of isolation.

Be honest about how you feel. Take time to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Let the pain of loss wash over you.

Dealing with shame and guilt

The truth is, we can never really know what someone else is thinking. If we believe that we could have prevented the suicide, and we keep re-writing different outcomes, we create barriers to moving forward and will struggle to accept what has happened.

The guilt following a suicide can be all-consuming. This means that you need to have a really in-depth and very honest look at what might be making you feel guilty and is holding you in a place of pain. We must be totally honest with ourselves when carrying out this exercise. By breaking down the relationship, we can identify the things that we wish we could have changed – but we also need to learn the difference between guilt and regret.

Guilt holds you in a place of pain. Guilt follows deliberate wrongdoing, an action, or words that we know was not the right thing to do or say at that particular time. Regret is a wish that something could have been said or done in a better way than it had been, had we known what was going to happen. If we had known the outcome we would have acted differently, instead, we acted in innocence.

By letting misplaced guilt go, we are allowing ourselves to grieve in a healthy manner.

Writing down how we feel about the relationship can identify areas where we are stuck. This in itself can be a most healing exercise as just realising something can be a cure in itself. These can then be brought to session with a therapist, safely discussing and exploring thoughts.

If you are affected by suicide, it is vital that you share your thoughts with someone you trust. Talking to the right person can help with the isolation of suicide grief. Yes, it’s good to talk but it is also important to have the right ‘ears’ around you. People you feel safe with, who won’t judge you or criticise you. A lot of our grief is tied up with fear because we don’t understand suicide and can be seriously affected by the violence of it.

Papyrus UK Suicide Prevention | Prevention of Young Suicide – Tel 0800 068 4141